What’s Your Communication Style?

In any room full of people, there is a way to begin to recognize patterns of behavior that help us see that people are different, but how they are predictably different.

Here's an example.

You walk into a building and need to get to the 8th floor. You're waiting for an elevator.  

As the doors open, you are curious and super excited to see who is on the other side! You walk in, don't give silence the time of day, and you say a hearty, "Hello!" to everyone; and as you press the button for your floor, you begin to ask them how their day has been, make a joke about the weather, etc.

Whether this resonates with you or makes you cringe to your very core, take a mental note of how you feel right now. If this scenario sounds more like you, then it's reasonable to predict you are generally outgoing!

OK - same elevator, EXCEPT…

As the doors open, you secretly and perhaps overtly hope no one else is in the elevator. Merely thinking of the awkward moment when you walk into the elevator and try to figure out if the other person or people will talk to you or not makes your palms sweaty as your heart pounds away in your chest. You press the button for the floor you want. As the elevator ascends, you look at the button panel, your shoes, the door, or the floor numbers as they change. Anything to fix your gaze so as not to make eye contact. Anxiety builds as you wish the elevator would go a little faster so you can make your quiet escape.  

Again, whether this resonates with the fabric of your DNA or makes you laughably dismiss the scenario with a "no way!" take a mental note of how you're feeling. If this scenario sounds more like you, then it's reasonable to predict you are generally more reserved.

Shall we take it a step further? Let's change things up a bit and reframe to vacation time! YES, finally, you've been waiting patiently for this time off! However, before it's time to go, we have some planning to do. You are focused on what needs to get done to go and perhaps made a list:

• Mow the lawn

• Take the dog to the kennel

• Take your car in for service, fill up the tank, clean the windows

Maybe you're going so far as lining up work you can tackle while you're away, or you're ensuring the hotel has decent WIFI so you can answer emails and jump on a Zoom or two.

If you're reading this, nodding along in agreement, and perhaps reminded of all the things you need to check off after reading this article (sorry!), then it's safe to say that you are indeed more task-oriented, and please, please don't take zoom calls when you're on vacation!

Now, on the other side of the coin, if your focus is who else is going with you, who you will see when you get there, and all ofthe fun experiences you will enjoy together, find a task-oriented person to help get you out the door! It's a safe bet that you are more people-oriented!

Everyone is unique, no doubt about it! However, there are very distinctive patterns when we come together on teams, collaborations, mergers, acquisitions, or even within our families. We can discover the trends of people with outgoing or reserved personalities with a simple elevator preference question. Yet with another simple question, we can quickly learn who must get their list of tasks done so they can go on - and enjoy - a vacation, and who can enjoy time off regardless!

I'm talking, of course, about patterns of behavior. Once we become aware of the patterns, we know what to expect. Recognizing these behaviors provides us with the cheat codes to communicate, connect, and collaborate in genuinely significant ways. If we know what to expect, we can use the right strategy to bring our best to our work and relationships.

Have you ever known someone direct? They have no problem driving projects forward. They're bold, decisive, and comfortable being in control. Or who do you know, someone who is fun? They easily hold the "life of the party title," are great at telling a story or a joke, and are very well-liked by just about everyone. What about loyalty? Is there anyone you know who is loyal, dedicated, doesn't seek attention, and is the backbone of your family, department, team, or organization? That person who always gets the job done, supporting people and projects. How about someone who is utterly meticulous? They are neat, organized, and structured. They do not seek crowds and are quiet and focused on the details.

Each of us is a distinct combination of all four general characteristics, creating our unique "style." Learning, recognizing, and acknowledging our "style" is a must. However, learning, identifying, and accepting other people's "style" is vital. Why? Because, as author John Maxwell says, "Connecting increases your influence in every situation." I've heard it said and have directly experienced that, to succeed in life, we need to learn to work with others. No matter how smart, caring, charismatic, or demanding we are, we won't advance very far without the ability to communicate and connect effectively with others.

Once we know how someone else is wired and their "style," we open the door to deeper relationships and connections. I cannot emphasize enough that knowing this information is a tool we need to use to deepen our relationships. We use this tool by recognizing how OTHER people communicate and meeting them exactly where they are. By NO means should we ever expect others to change who they are to share with us – That mindset has strong potential to lead to moments of frustration and, quite possibly, toxic animosity. Remember, we must control the controllables, which ALWAYS begins with US changing OUR behavior FIRST.

Often, people will ask, "What style is best?"

The answer, of course, is YOURS! You are gifted with strengths that, when used, contribute to the work and lives around you. Your style is the best, and that makes everyone better! When we take the time to communicate and connect with others through their style instead of ours, we build the bridge to successful work and relationships.

If you would like to learn more about improving your communication and connection with your team or organization, please feel free to connect with Jay Ly, Founder & President of Golden Compass.