Get Over It, Get On With It

If you are alive long enough and engage with other human beings, at some point, there will be people that find a reason to dislike you. It just comes with the territory. Early on in my life, I remember being ostracized. As early as pre-school, even, because I was the only Asian kid in the school.  I was different…and the other kids didn’t know how to deal with different.  In adolescence, sometimes other kids do not like us because of the way we look, talk, or because we are just different.  As we mature, some of the reasons change, but some people just don’t advance to a growth-mindset as quickly as others.  You may be doing everything you know to be right and doing it with the best of intentions, and there will still be someone lurking with the hopes of your demise.  This could come from jealousy, misunderstanding, ignorance, and on rare occasion just human wretchedness.   

Often, these people have little impact on our lives. Most of the time they are too cowardly to act on their feelings or simply aren’t in any position of influence.  However, what I’ve discovered is that the more success and influence you yield, the greater the number of detractors you gain.    I’ve also found that nothing tests your fortitude and character more than the decisions you are faced with when dealing with these human obstacles.  Below are some tools and perspectives I’ve gained along the way that have helped me rise above and accept the obstacles as a part of life. 

Reflection 

In my opinion, the most important part of dealing with any challenge is introspection.  If people are throwing obstacles in my way, are they truly just hatin’ on me, or is my behavior a contributing factor?  We must ask ourselves “what part of this do we own?”  We should never automatically default to an “everyone is out to get me” mindset.  It is simply not realistic nor is it healthy.  We should ask ourselves whether our actions are genuine and purposeful to our intent.  It is possible that the disparity between our behaviors and intent may be contributing to the false perception others have of us.  Do we unintentionally say one thing but do another?  Do our actions line up with our words?  Am I being self-absorbed but judge others when they behave in the same manner?  These are all important questions to ask ourselves. Anything less than 100% honesty will be a complete waste of time.   

Avoid the urge to fall into it 

After reflection and honest personal feedback, we may identify areas for improvement.  However, if our intent is in the right place, we also need to come to the realization that those “haters” are still going to be out there…and that’s okay.  As the comedian Kevin Hart recently stated, “There is no need to seek external approval, when you already have internal approval.”  When we know we are doing the right things for the right reasons, we must avoid allowing others’ beliefs to lead to our own self-fulfilling prophecy.  The best way to do this is to seek out the “good friend.”   

The “good friend” will be rational and leverage reason when we bring them our issues and have the courage and insight to disagree when we are clouded by our emotions or biases.  The “bad friend” isn’t always bad…but in these circumstances will enable and continue to fuel the negative emotions and negative talk.  It’s easy to misjudge which one is the good or bad friend when we are emotional or feel that we’ve been wronged.  It’s also easy to fall into the trap of listening to the “bad friend” or even becoming the “bad friend.”  Do you have people always seeking you out to complain about how they’ve been wronged?  Do you typically fuel their negative fire?  If you see this circle of negativity increasing, it’s possible you could be the “bad friend.”  When faced with obstacles created by others, venting can be a healthy release, but complaining too long is a waste of time and calories.  Seek out reasoned perspective when faced with challenges and do your best to be the “good friend.”         

Own your response 

Ryan Holiday, author of The Obstacle is the Way, stated “We don’t control the barriers or the people who put them there.  But we control ourselves—and that is sufficient.”  Responses come in many forms.  They come in both actions and inaction.  I remember when I first started leveraging social media to promote what my teams and I were doing; some people took that as I was self-promoting and screaming from the mountain top “Look at ME!”  However, I started doing it to promote team achievements, recognize the great things they were doing, and to chronicle my own experiences.  When the first person told me there were people who thought I was self-aggrandizing, I was initially upset and thought about “responding” to those people...I didn’t even know who they were!  Then I thought, maybe I should stop because I don’t want to put off that false perception.  But then I would get messages from people whose opinion I truly cared about.  In these messages, they mentioned the posts were inspiring them to do more. I had many choices on how I could respond, and I chose to continue without justifying my actions to those who simply didn’t, couldn’t, or wouldn’t attempt to understand. 

When people throw obstacles in our way, we have a myriad of responses at our disposal.  How we respond reflects not only who we are, but who we strive to be.  None of us are perfect but we can continue to improve and get closer to who we want to be as humans. We can do this by carefully choosing the “right” response and owning it as ours.  No one can make us respond a certain way…we must own that responsibility and be held accountable for the consequences.  As the great Viktor Frankl once said, “Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.” 

Bear and Forbear 

Now the final truth.  Even if we are doing everything for the right reasons, we avoid falling into biased thinking and conspiracy theories, and we do our best to respond in the most effective and productive ways—people will still find ways to place hurdles in our paths to either slow us down or deter us altogether.  In these instances, sustine et abstine, bear and forbear.  Acknowledge the pain and trod onward toward your task.  Take it on the chin and remind yourself of why you are doing what you are doing in the first place.  If you are seeking the process and not the prize, you shouldn’t be concerned with the extra work needed to negotiate the obstacle as it will give you more experience.  If you miss out on something you feel you’ve earned, remember why you did the things that put you in that position in the first place.  If you are worried the haters are winning, they aren’t.  When someone is busy needlessly holding others down, they aren’t moving forward in their own lives.  Play the long game…sometimes the long way is the fastest way home.   

Remember, often the more successful you are, the more detractors you’ll gain; sometimes very powerful ones at that.  If you are doing the right things for the right reasons, you can either take this as a compliment or let it consume you.  The choice is 100% yours…remember to own it.  Not everyone is going to like you…that’s okay.  Not everyone will be on your side, that’s cool too.  Now it’s time to get over it and get on with it!  Stay true to yourself.  As the fictional character Simon Wilder from the movie With Honors stated, “Winners forget they’re in a race, they just love to run.”