I am Not Your Friend
As a young leader, I was told, “You’re not here to be their friend”. It is easy to tell young leaders, supervisors and managers that mantra, but it’s a different matter altogether when you are that new leader/supervisor and manager to understand what that phrase means and to be comfortable with it.
I’ve always been skeptical about taking leadership and supervisory advice from people without any practical experience. What I have found most helpful in my career are the perspectives of other leaders. So what I’m going to do here is NOT give advice. I am going to share my perspective and from it, I leave it to you, the reader to think about what I share and determine if there is anything you can glean and adopt for yourselves.
A lot of us have the very human desire to fit in and be liked. And this doesn’t mean that you can’t be yourself. You can still be compassionately and act with empathy. You can still show your team that you care. What this does mean however, is that you understand boundaries, set expectations, and model the behavior expected of your staff. It means that because you care, you are holding them to the standard that you know they are capable of and ensuring that they perform to the best of their ability. When it is said “you’re not here to be their friend”, what is really meant is “You are here to lead, and sometimes the decisions you make are not going to be popular.”
As a leader, I have an organization to run. I have stakeholders that are asking for deliverables to be on time and on budget. Decisions have to be made, and I understand that making hard decisions is why I have been put into the leadership position that I am in. It’s my responsibility to make the BEST decisions possible and consult with my staff that are subject matter experts. However, what they may not understand is that I have a boss, my boss has a boss, and sometimes the direction and needs of the organization aren’t in alignment with what my folks at the ground level perceive as being the priority. I have that perspective, they do not. It’s part of my responsibility to articulate that to my team.
A good chunk of what allows me to effectively lead my team is my reputation and credibility. If I make an exception to my values or allow someone to skate by with poor performance because I might “upset” them, then I have put myself in the untenable position of losing credibility with the other members of my team. This in turn affects morale and productivity.
There is a saying, “Prepare the child for the road, not the road for the child”. That saying holds true for people of all ages. When we don’t hold our employees or our staff accountable and to the expectations that are required for them to be successful, we are setting them, and the rest of our team up for failure. I have found that most people need structure and want structure.
One of the most difficult leadership positions was when I was a new supervisor, and I have great sympathy for my first line supervisors. For most, this is their first experience with supervision and leadership, and they are the ones that frequently have to address firsthand personnel and disciplinary issues. New supervisors have the least amount of separation between themselves and their subordinates. Many of them were likely good friends with their subordinates when they were rank and file and have a difficult time adjusting to this new dynamic. If we want them to be successful in these new roles, we owe it to them to help them navigate this new dynamic of determining their boundaries and how to set expectations. Providing the perspectives of why it’s important to do so is one way. Another is to ensure that we continue to model the behaviors that we expect and provide them support when they have to make difficult decisions.
I have become comfortable with understanding that I will not get everyone on the bus. And that is ok. Our teams are like a bell curve. You have the top 20% that are your rock stars and are ready to go wherever the bus is going (in fact, they’re asking “are we there yet?”), the middle 40% that are generally on board and do what’s told of them, and the final 20% that are kicking and screaming. Where do you want to spend the greatest amount of your time and energy as a leader? This does not mean that those that don’t get on the bus are bad, it merely means that my bus may not be where they can thrive and be most successful.
The opportunity to lead is a privilege. It’s an opportunity to help my organization meet its goals, and an opportunity to develop future leaders and help my team thrive. In doing so, I’m going to step on toes. I’m going to make decisions that are unpopular. But that’s why I’ve been put in this position, to get the ball in the end zone. I care, and I want my people and my organization to succeed. Frankly, when I think about my friendships, those people I consider most dear are the ones that tell me the hard truths, that push me out of my comfort zone because they care. I don’t always agree with them, but I trust them and know they will always have my back. So maybe, as a leader, I AM your friend.
