Not Everyone Deserves Feedback
Concepts like transparency, feedback, and vulnerability are common throughout leadership books, articles, discussions, and courses. These concepts are also prevalent throughout social media posts related to leadership.
Although I concur these concepts are all extremely important, they are meaningless without context. For instance, many will state that vulnerability is fundamental to leadership or complain that organizational processes are not transparent. Many may even claim that they don’t receive feedback, a complaint that I hear much too often. However, we don’t regularly talk about how timing, audience, subject matter, and/or receptiveness play a key role in whether these concepts are value added or just weaponized to fit an agenda or help one concede responsibility.
These concepts must be wielded deliberately and with maturity in order to bring value. Does a leader that allows themselves to be “vulnerable” enough to break down emotionally during a contingency operation inspire confidence? Does this display of perceived “vulnerability” by that leader give the team member confidence that this leader will have their back in a stressful situation? How “transparent” should a leader be? Will our “transparency” bring about more discontent or discord, and if so, what is the value in that? Do we really want to walk around in a world where everyone can read each other’s minds and know everything and anything? I was chatting with someone I consider a great leader the other day and he stated, “I don’t want to know everything going on in my wife’s mind because it is usually, and rightfully so, all the things I’m doing wrong. I can only take so much at a time!”
Although vulnerability can inspire by showing others you are human too, and transparency can build trust by showing others that processes are fair and equitable, timing, audience, and subject matter are important variables in whether these two concepts will effectively bring value to the environment in which they are practiced. Similarly, whether the feedback process is value-added is also dependent on multiple factors.
When I make the statement “not everyone deserves feedback,” it usually gets an emotional response. What I mean by this statement is that how one responds to feedback plays just as much a vital role in the feedback process as the act of giving it. Regardless of whether one is in the role of a leader, a follower, or a peer, if one responds defensively to feedback, is caught in the victim loop (see more here) and/or externalizes and blames circumstances every time they receive feedback, they are not showing that they are deserving of the time it takes to give effective feedback. If a member isn’t willing to listen with an open mind and open heart to feedback, they don’t deserve feedback. When a person is only willing to listen to feedback that aligns with what they want to hear, they do not deserve feedback.
Many will say that providing feedback is a leadership responsibility. I do not dispute that. Some will also say feedback is an entitlement. I do not necessarily disagree with that either. But whether one is entitled to something and whether one deserves something are two different things. When we choose to live off entitlements, we are choosing to live a life of mediocrity. Although I believe there are some basic entitlements that we each hold, such as being treated with dignity and respect, the mentality to see feedback as something one is entitled to is passive. That mentality leads one to wait for things to happen to them and to not taking responsibility for the actions in their lives. This too is victim loop behavior. I choose to live with the mindset that I am not entitled to anything. This mindset leads to action and accountability. Although by standards I am entitled to feedback, if I don’t receive it, I seek it—and I seek it with an open mind and open heart.
Although leaders are ultimately responsible for providing feedback (and yes, there are lot of people in leadership positions that are not good at doing this), it is also an individual responsibility to seek out effective feedback. This feedback doesn’t have to be just in the form or forum in which we traditionally expect to receive feedback. When I seek feedback, I consistently and continuously ask myself the following questions:
What is being said?
Is this person credible?
Is this feedback actionable and in context?
If I don’t find it is value-added, what can I take from it to grow? What is not being said?
Am I creating a psychologically safe environment for the person delivering feedback?
After receiving feedback, does providing a reason for my shortcomings bring value or will it likely be perceived as an excuse?
And so on and so forth. Feedback is everywhere around us, sometimes we just need to be attuned to our surroundings.
Although I am positive that we have each experienced times in our lives where we didn’t receive effective feedback in its traditional form, this is often outside of our control. In these instances, we should focus on what is within our control—and that is whether we deserve it.
